To be Unraveled

Fifteen years ago, our country was unraveled. I scroll through my Facebook feed and can see the many lives that were unraveled by the events that happened fifteen years ago- and these are only the people that have less than exclusive spots on my “friends” list. I know the pain of this day spreads far and wide to an amount of people that is simply unmeasurable. I am not going to write about how I was affected by this day. It simply is irrelevant to how any other person feels on this day.

This morning I woke up, had my coffee, rode horses and went to work. What a luxury. I think I don’t realize the day to day life I live is a luxury. I didn’t realize that someone has been missing someone for 15 years. For fifteen years you haven’t been able to have dinner as a family, call your husband or wife to let them know you’ll be late, bug your brother about the mess he left in the bathroom, or have your sister curl your hair.

Some people woke up today with 7 “thinking of you” messages in their inbox and a lot of messages that were never sent. What do you say? What can you say? Some people  woke up, had coffee, and they feel what they feel every day….

There are no words to describe what today is to so many people and I would be foolish to think I would finally be the person who could encompass how today feels into one blog post fifteen years later. It simply can’t be done, nor should it be.

Today I woke up, had my coffee, rode horses, and went to work. I know that many people didn’t have that luxury today, and have woken up the same way for fifteen years. I know many people continue to unravel. I know some have started to wind themselves back up, maybe for the first time on this very day.

i don’t know what today feel likes for anyone… I’m not going to pretend to relate. Instead I just hope that fifteen years later, all those needing strength find it.. Even if it takes another fifteen years.

 

 

 

The Unconventional Way I Fell in Love this Summer

Summer Romance. What a concept. You meet on a cruise and spend a week together and feel “a connection”. You spill your drink on a stranger at an outdoor bar and spend the summer together,only to realize the fall is coming and your summer soulmate is moving across the country. The best friend you’ve been crushing on since the 11th grade finally admits he has feelings for you… None of these things have happened to me, and I doubt have happened to most.

However, summer calls for some spontaneity and perhaps turning up the heat in some of the relationships in our lives. As the summer continues to fade like my excuse of a tan, I can’t help but think I have again missed out on a summer romance. No late night cuddling at the bonfire or long walks on the beach. No ice-cream dates or a couples vacation ending in 1 fight, 1 cracked phone, and too many awkward selfies.

However, after more reflection, I can say I in fact fell in love with summer…just not in the way that’s painted in most ABC movies.

I fell in love with the one day off I had every 2-3 weeks to go the beach and avoid getting sunburn.

I fell in love with driving before the sun came up.

I fell in love with my friends I’ve haven’t seen in over a year, and the friends who live 90 seconds from my house – both meaning the world to me.

I fell in love with barely being able to walk into my house after the gym because I had to “un-do” the frozen yogurt I had the night before… and cookies.. and angry orchid…

I fell in love with the sand in the cracks in the tiles of my bathroom and adding more “character” to the bumper of my 2003 Honda civic.

I fell in love with lightning storms and the smell of rain…especially on the days I had to work inside 9 to 6.

I fell in love with blonde highlights and tan lines and the imperfections of the human body that don’t count under a tan and salt water.

I fell in love with windows down and country music and spontaneous boat rides..just not sailboats…

I fell in love with my family around the table of left over BBQ, pasta salad, and 2 dogs circling like sharks around us.

I fell in love in more ways than 1 this summer…and I hope after reading this you feel you did too. Happy September 🙂

 

 

Blogging Blunders: Why words only have the power you give them

There’s a blog for just about everything: from your journey through Accutane treatments to living life as an asexual college student. I only started blogging a little more than a year ago. I did it really to express myself in a healthy manner, connect with other equestrians, and get some advice and opinions. My blog not only really helped me emotionally, it connected me to a lot of really awesome people that have continued to help me “in real life”. As much good that I got from it, I received a small portion of negative feedback from a few select individuals who decided to “read between the lines” and draw conclusions that simply were not there. If and when you decide to start a blog, you accept that you will receive both good and negative feedback – it just comes with the territory.

Opinions are like butts, we all got one but at times it’s best to not “moon” the world. There’s a place and time to express yourself and stand up for what you believe it. To truly function as a well-rounded person, I feel like you must also accept opinions that are unlike your own. You don’t have to agree with that person, but you must respect that they are entitled to have a different view point. I really would be flabbergasted when certain people would comment on a post and literally call apples, oranges. I knew in my heart and soul that they were dead wrong, but a lot of the time I bit my tongue because frankly, I wrote the post for myself, not for them.

What’s especially hard with written word, is that it’s extremely difficult to express tone at times. A lot of the time, one phrase can mean two different things just by the tone of someone’s voice. Similarly, when you have a conversation with someone it’s easy to clarify confusion or re-word something if you see the person is having a negative reaction to what you’re saying. Now we have people copying and pasting words and screenshot-ing and posting to pubic forums and allowing more people to view the post and either agree or disagree with this particular reader’s opinion on the blog post. This definitely helps the piece be viewed which is nice, but it can create an unhealthy breeding ground of people tracking down the blogger and sharing some less than nice words of their own.

Even if you think you’ve written a completely neutral,non-offensive piece, chances are someone is going to have a problem with it. I hope that everyone reads and writes with an open mind and we can all agree to disagree. Until that time comes, which may be never, feel free to throw caution to the wind and read and write freely. Expression on all fronts is always worth it.

I’m Not Sure and it’s Awesome

When are you going to grad school? Are you moving out? How’s work? Are you bringing a plus one to that wedding you’re attending…in 2017? What are you doing for the 4th of July?

I don’t know. No clue. Not sure. – Lately my responses to most questions thrown my way have also been instinctual uncertainty. This time last year I was a month post-grad and had a world of opportunity in front of me. A year later, I still feel the same.

In a year I’ve gotten two promotions, almost quit my job, slept all day, stayed up all night, lost 16 pounds, ate my weight in Ralph’s Italian ices -and not the healthy kind, went on dates, went on a testosterone strike, met some new friends, and lost touch with some old ones.

A lot of time time we beat ourselves up on not having things figured out and to have looming uncertainty lying ahead of us. We force ourselves to make to-do lists, have schedules, make plans, and have goals. Some of my most enriching experiences and fondest memories are from completely spontaneous and random events I couldn’t have even planned if I tried. I think going with the flow is a much better used life skill than crossing off tasks on a to-do list.

Many people may say I only feel this way because I have so much uncertainty lying a head of me. Those people who be so wrong. In fact, by embracing uncertainty I have finally figured out so many things that previously eluded me…

1. Tequila doesn’t give me hangovers – but is hard on my wallet
2. Direct deposit is cool – I love waking up with money
3. Data is expensive – maybe you don’t need to scroll Facebook on your walk around town
4. I like talking on the phone. I like hearing people laugh and pause and think versus seeing dots appear and disappear on a screen
5. My friends are awesome and some have jobs and some are in school but we all should be really proud of the people we have become – and not because our parents like to brag about us
6. Falling off horses still sucks and hurts a lot
7. Tell your mom and dad thank you and that you appreciate them – they really never get tired of hearing it
8. You’ll never be certain of what the opposite sex is thinking and why they do the things that they do – just continue to be the person YOU like and the right people will find you and thank god that they did
9. The world continues to be a scary place that can be depressing and unjust – look for the light in every day – even if you need to search a little to find it
10. Chocolate does make you feel good. And the calories are worth it

The list goes on from here. And so does the things I’m still figuring out. I embrace uncertainty as it’s done nothing but lead me in the direction of being so utterly happy. The best part about being happy is that it’s a truly limitless feeling and you can continue to build and build on it as much as you allow yourself to.

So I smile, shrug, say “I don’t know” and laugh because I will continue to have the time of my life figuring it out… Or not 🙂

Winning Won’t Keep You Company on Friday Night

I was always on teams growing up. When I changed my main focus to riding around the age of 13/14, the dynamic of competing was different. It was strange to me to compete by myself and try my hardest to beat the girl riding only a couple of  feet ahead of me. She was the same friend I spent Saturdays with grooming ponies, driving around in golf carts, and pretending to give each other lessons on foot in one of the empty paddocks.

As I got more into showing, sometimes I realized that no matter how hard my old school master tried, we would not out beat the 8 year old import who was “allergic to wood” in the best way possible. I fell in love with the equation, determined that I could excel on my own skill with a good partner who didn’t necessarily need to be a 10 mover with a floaty trot.

IHSA was a brand new type riding I had never experienced before. Now being 5 years deep into my IHSA career, I have learned how to win and how to lose- and sometimes not as gracefully as you may think.

Today at IHSA Zone 2 Region 4 Regionals, the amount of cheers, hugging, laughter, and happiness I saw was infectious. I have truly never seen so many riders happy for one another in their victories, and supportive in their defeats. From helping each other quickly get dressed, coaching from the sidelines, and rushing into the ring for the post ride hug – it was all such a great example that being a team is much more than matching jackets and a point card.

Being supportive of your teammates in and out of the ring is so critical. And it doesn’t just stop at your team alone. Being supportive of every rider who puts their foot in the stirrup and goes through the in-gate is all inclusive in being a good member of a team.

To the coaches being helpful to any rider who needed a “heels down” reminder as they passed by, to the judge who confirmed with me that I had sufficient time to re-adjust my tack as I was switched off my original mount – this is what being a team player is all about. When you go home, the ribbons on your wall won’t offer you coffee as you run late for your 8am class, and they won’t stay in on a Friday night to watch old episodes of gossip girl.

One love, one team, one goal, one heart. Ride IHSA.

 

Why I Compete with 9 Cents

Anchors. As basic as a tattoo on the bodies of girls everywhere, anchors are very significant to me. An anchor secures you in the place you want to be regardless of how rough the seas get. Anchors help weigh you down without causing you to sink. We are surrounded by metaphorical anchors. Your parents giving you a place to live rent-free after graduating college. Your boyfriend reserving wednesdays for date night, regardless of how crazy work schedules get. Your dog always coming up to your bed to be your thunder buddy even if there are 3 other bedrooms with willing participants. I find my anchors all over in my family and friends. However, I found it hard to visual the support I receive from my anchors and use it to help me during times I feel stressed and scattered. So I came up with a physical anchor : 1 nickel, and four pennies.
To many, 9 pathetic cents is useless change easily thrown into a cup holder, tip jar, or the bottom of your bag only to be seen again at the first annoyance of breaking a dollar in the check out line. To me it’s a physical reminder of how to keep myself grounded. As a competitive rider, half of your performance is mental. Don’t over think the in-and-out, don’t be afraid to really hand gallop the last oxer, don’t think about how your horse always spooks at the port-a-potties. Without a sound mental space during competition, it’s very easy to lose your focus, shut down, and crash and burn. It has taken me years to be able to quiet the chatter in my head that goes in before I step into the ring. It seems like once I pass through the in-gate, I turn on the mute button. In my pocket, the 9 cents jiggle up and down. I feel the change throughout my ride and it’s just enough distraction to keep my focus on the task at hand and not the destructive thoughts cycling through : you’re below the pace, you need to slice that turn, don’t chip the big oxer or else you’ll probably die… Dramatic but I’ve literally had those thoughts.

9- my lucky number. Simple as that. I wanted enough change in my pocket to be able to feel it, but not enough where I was making my own back-round music around the course. 5 coins was perfect since I started this ritual in 2015 and the coins added up to 9.
Change. In 2015, being told I was unable to continue to compete in open fences due to my “inexperience” was a huge blow to my confidence. If you are just reading about this for the first time… Feel free to read farther back to the start of this blog. In February of last year, I was denied evaluation to regain my competition status in open fences. I felt worthless. All my hard work boiled down to nothing. Value. To me change holds some type of value, as insignificant as 9 cents is, it’s still worth something. I have to remind myself that as much as I am critical of myself and have self-destructive thoughts – I am always worth something, I will always hold value.
Right pocket. An old bad juju hex was first introduced to me after hearing Andre Dignelli playfully use it during a popular TV series, Horsepower: Road to the MaClays (which I own on dvd and I’m not embarrassed to admit it). Putting your hand in your left pocket was an old trick to hex someone else. I put 9 cents in my right pocket because at the end of the day, I want to win because I had a good day, not because everyone else had a bad day. I want everyone to have good rides for themselves and their horses. I always say you don’t need good luck, you just don’t need bad luck.

Find your anchor. Whether it be lucky socks, a power color hair tie, or a small toy you got for 25 cents out of the machines near the check-out at Pathmark. Maybe it’s the memory of your best course, or the lyrics to your favorite song. Do what works for you to keep yourself focused, content, and anchored.

Hey, How Are You?

Hey, how are you? A common greeting we spit out almost as a reflex. Half the time we don’t even respond or get a response and the other half of the time the immediate response back is ‘Good. How are you?’. I have been taken by surprise only a handful of times with responses like that aren’t quite as mundane and automatic. How does one respond when things aren’t good? A lot of the time people are so quick to try to cheer someone up or give them the magic solution to what ever is troubling them. If things were that easy, a lot of people would walk around with bigger smiles and a lot less weight on their shoulders.
As a person who seems to have a permanent smile on my face, it’s quite apparent when I’m having a less than stellar day. “You’re supposed to be happy?! You can’t be sad!” As much as I don’t enjoy having a sub-par day, everyone is definitely entitled to not be sunshine and rainbows everyday, all year long.
In a perfect world, we would all wake up on the right side of the bed every morning and smell the roses and love life. We would not crumble under the stress of student loans, GPAs, relationships, work, and everything else under the sun. But we do. We all have felt the overwhelming dread of getting out of bed in the morning to deal with life. And that’s fine. I am giving every single person a pass to throw themselves a pity party, lock themselves up in a dark room and shut off from the world for a while.
At times there’s no logical reason why you’re feeling sad. Nothing is really going terribly wrong, there’s no crisis, but you still find yourself discontent. You just are in a funk. You may not know why, but you are.
This is ok. It’s okay not to be okay. We are complex beings with multiple emotions which include sadness. At times I think we – and when I say we I include me – throw ourselves into our work, into school, into our relationships – to distract us so we don’t feel sad. And in the end we still feel sadness but we are now so preoccupied with other things we can no longer pinpoint where these emotions are coming from.
Embrace your emotions – all of them. Be thankful for the days you feel endless happiness and know that days of sadness don’t last forever. Everyone at some time will fall into a funk. Allow yourself to emotionally rest and not force yourself to wake up tomorrow and be happy. Take an hour and watch trash TV. Spend $20 and get your nails done. Cuddle on the couch by yourself on Friday and try the new Ben and Jerry’s flavor. Do whatever you want. Never justify your actions or emotions to anyone because frankly in the relationship between you and your emotions, no one else matters.
Taking care of yourself emotionally is just as important as not missing your curfew or paying your AMEX bill on time.
So for all those spending time in Funky Town, feel free to come and go as you please.

To the Parents I Know After Cancer

Cancer. 6 letters from hell. It’s hard to find someone who has not been touched by cancer, whether it be a mom, sister, uncle, friend, co-worker or a personal experience. I am beyond thankful to be the daughter of 1 cancer survivor and 1 cancer patient (who at times forgets he’s a cancer patient). Not many can say the same. It’s impossible for cancer not to change your perspective on life and your family. Now being years past my mom’s remission and a few years past my dad’s initial diagnosis- there’s a lot I have to be grateful for and a lot I learned.

I’m sorry that I would complain when you wouldn’t drive me to school Friday morning after chemo on Thursday – I didn’t fully realize you felt like 20 times as sick as my worst hangover.

I know you try to cover your port scar. You’re beautiful. Wear your badge of victory proudly.

Thank you for accessorizing your bald head with holiday themed scarves each month. It was something fun that distracted us all.

I’m sorry I cooked egg whites in the kitchen – I know you’d run to the bathroom to throw up… And I know egg whites stink in general.

Thank you for being the loudest clap at my high school graduation. Your clothes were hanging off your body but you still were the best dressed man in the crowd.

Thank you for donating to relay for life every year even if you aren’t comfortable yet doing the survivors lap. I’ll walk to the ends of the earth for you – a few laps around the track is nothing in comparison.

Thank you for telling my guidance counselors and teachers that I was having a tough time. Embarrassing as it was then, I appreciate it now ten-fold.

I know you want to put this in the past, but having to go to chemo every week continues this nightmare. Thank you for continuing to fight. I know the end of the road is in sight.

To my amazing parents. Cancer attempted to shatter our family into nonfunctional pieces. I’m quite convinced it instead made us stronger as a family and as individuals. Cancer. 6 letters from hell.
8 letters from me. I love you
Dedicated the above post to my amazing parents and all those affected.
Love has no boundaries.

What Is For You, Will Not Pass You

A lot of the time I use this blog as my outlet for my thoughts, feelings, concerns, and some comic relief in the face of some type of obstacle. I had every intention of sitting down today and writing about how things were not going in my favor, a perfect reflection of how I felt this time last year when I was denied a re-evaluation for Open Fences. As history would have it, my sadness and frustration and anger from current events transformed into something that instead pushed me forward. The most successful people in life are those who use the same very things that bring them down to instead propel them to the surface.
I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason. And I also believe a lot of the time that reason makes no logical sense. In a world where logic is used to explain a whole lot, sometimes certain situations warrant logic to just be thrown out the window. It’s scary to think that things can sometimes go awry for no rhyme or reason. Is this truly meant to be? Or have the fates made a hefty error? I have learned that regardless of how you may feel, things out of your control will occur, and some of the time it will rip through your steady foundation and leave you desperate to find solid footing again. Life’s all about finding a balance and it is rare that you will ever find a person who is not constantly trying to keep their feet firmly planted. In reality, the ground beneath is will be forever shifting and it’s our job to adjust our footing to adapt.
After feeling unbalanced, I had a very wise friend tell me “what is for you, will not pass you”. Opportunities missed are simply things not meant for you. Love lost is simply leaving you open to deeper love. Pain felt is meant to make you strong and resilient. Keep yourself open and stay light on your feet. Obstacles you encounter are meant to challenge you and help you to meet the next thing to come your way, good or bad. Embrace it all. The things you want most in life will come your way, and you’ll be prepared to receive them.

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting for 2016

Happy 2016!! A time for resolutions and reflections, a time to set goals and take pride in your accomplishments, and most importantly…start doing all the things you told yourself you would start doing the year before. There is a lot of pressure around this holiday to make changes in your life, lose the weight, get the job, buy the house, kiss your soul-mate at midnight. So, I’ve made the bold decision to ask nothing of myself but to jump into 2016 with no expectations of what I’ll be doing for the next 365 days.

So to anyone who may decide to do my spin-off of a resolution, I have some things you should expect when you’re not expecting anything…

1. Being pleasantly surprised. With no expectations, things going as well or bad as they normally do will be great! You normally eat pizza at least once a week and you continue eating pizza once a week, things are fine! You keep the job you have whether you love it or not, maybe minimum wage goes up and you’re making around the same amount of money you always have made. Things being average is totally fine! Sometimes we don’t need big monumental life events to make a good year.

2. You save money. A lot of resolutions require some capital. Joining a gym, eating better, going out more, buying the boat, revamping your wardrobe. With no investment plans on the horizon, you can hold onto that hard earned cash – after taxes of course. You can decide to splurge on new furniture for your bedroom or the Michael Kors bag, or you can continue to save every penny for no reason other than to be able to put gas in your car, to get to work, to make money, to put gas in your tank.

3. No pressure from the people around you. I was a diet coke addict up until New Years Eve 2011. I decided to swear off Diet Coke and go cold turkey at midnight. After three years without diet coke, an unfortunate switch of solo cups ended my reign. Now when EVER I try to enjoy a diet coke (which now a days are far less often than I did years ago) I get the “didn’t you give up Diet Coke” from anyone around me. When people know your goals and care about you, they keep you accountable. Whether that be texting you for a morning workout, suggesting frozen yogurt instead of milk shakes, helping you pick out paint colors to finally re-do your childhood bedroom, or bugging you to finally clean out your closet – they try to push you in the direction you want. With no resolutions for 2016, nagging will be kept to a minimum with no one really caring about your Diet Coke intake… or whatever…

4. An actual resolution for 2017. With no looming task for the year, it’ll give you time to really see how this year goes for you when you’re not trying so hard. You can take a good look at your expenses and see where you can trim costs and save some dollars. Maybe you realize it really is time to join iPhone world as your sliding keyboard phone isn’t the easiest to conference call on for work. Photo albums on Facebook show you wearing the same black dress for every going out occasion and it may be time to bring some new pieces into your life. So this time next year not only will you have a resolution, you’ll have a resolution that will actually be worth while.

So my resolution for 2016 is to dive in with no resolution what so ever. Call me lazy or non-committal… I’ll have time to fix that in 2017. 😉 Happy New Year to all!